I'm practicing meaningless, empty, ritualized sacrifice for Lent.

For several years now, I've heard people talking about their decisions not to give up anything for Lent. Instead of making some "meaningless sacrifice," they say, they're going to add something meaningful.


I get that. Watching people pass up drinking Coke in the high school cafeteria, making the extreme sacrifice of drinking Mountain Dew instead, never made much sense to me either. But lately the whole "I'm going to add something meaningful" thing has started to bother me as much as the idea of giving up Coke for Mountain Dew.


I've had to sit with this discomfort for a couple of years before I figured out what was getting under my skin. It's this: I still succumb to the mass-market-media-message-massage that I can have it all! I really want to believe that I shouldn't ever have to actually give anything up. I should just be able to add and add and add, accumulating stuff and practices and piety without ever having to slip backwards. This is the American Dream--Never Lose Anything that's good. Whatever you do for Lent should only add to your sense of spirituality, self-worth, self-meaning.


For years, I approached Lent as a way of adding value to my life--sort of a second run at failed New Year's resolutions, to be honest. I'd take on a discipline of exercise, or self-care, or prayer to get myself grounded in a greater sense of peace. "Give up something you know God doesn't want in your life," I'd say. So I'd "give up" making bad choices about diet or working out. Like I said--Lent as Resolution Redux.


In effect, I used Lent as a way of doing what I actually wanted to do all along. I never considered that there might be value in doing something I don't want to do. 


So. This Lent I'm fasting. Once a week, for an entire day. From the time I go to bed, throughout the next day, until I wake up for breakfast on the following day. For somewhere in the area of 32 hours, I will drink water or coffee or tea. No milk, no honey, no calories. 


Why am I doing this? Because I really, really don't want to. I'm not doing it because I think it will be good for me. I'm not doing it so I can brag about what a great spiritual practice I'm following. I don't know if it will be great at all. At this point, I am nearly at the end of my first day of fasting. I don't like it. I have had no spiritual breakthroughs. I don't know what the benefit will be. (Yes, I will make a contribution to the World Hunger Appeal. But I would have done that anyway.)


The thing is, though, that God repeatedly calls people to turn to God in repentance, with fasting. I know I need repentance. I don't know that I need fasting. But God says to. And I realize that I have, way too often, pretty much demanded that God justify to me what God calls for. Explain to me why it's good that I'm hungry and cranky and uncomforable, God. Because unless there's a good reason for it, I'm not interested. And I'll be the judge of what makes for a good reason, thank Your Divine Self very much.


I guess, when it comes down to it, I'm just trying to practice obedience that I don't understand the reason for. Opening a door for God to show me something I don't already know. I'll let you know how it goes.